Monday, January 20, 2003

By All Rational Measures, I Should Be Climbing the Walls Right Now

But I'm not. I'm weirdly at peace -- even deeply content.

Let's take a look at my life right now.

Unless Michele or Paul can get work, I'm going to be the sole support of the household next month. My salary covers the rent, period. When two of us are working, we can get by, though health insurance alone runs us something like $750 a month. (Mine is paid through work, thank God.) We really need three people working to live in fair comfort, pay down the various debts, keep the house running smoothly, and save some for the future.

My laptop power supply died at Orchard Valley Coffee today.

My sneakers have holes, my jeans have holes, and my truck really needs a tuneup.

I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night since Paul was laid off, and I am having nightmares again -- both sure signs of major life stress for me.

I have my annual job review in a couple of weeks, and I'm worried. Probably irrationally, but still.

Nevertheless, I am content tonight.

Somehow, through it all, I feel so much more solidly balanced these days. I have love, work, friends, family, home. I'm writing again. It's not that nothing can affect me -- clearly Paul's layoff did affect me, since it has invaded my sleep. But I have faith in my own strength. No, I always had that. I had to.

What's different? I have support. I have love. I can be *honest*.

Yeah, I'm concerned about money. I have to be. But the essentials are solid. The relationships are real, honest, supportive, healthy. We will make it through this. Together.

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