The Job Hunt: Not That Desperate Yet, Thanks

Gee, I could make $8 an hour in an exciting new career! I found this listing on Craig's List.

What does the job require?

Successful applicants should have excellent written and verbal skills. Must follow written and verbal instruction exactly every time. Legible handwriting is necessary for filling out necessary paperwork.


Any special dress code?

Applicants will be professional, conservatively clean cut in appearance, prompt in arrival, and work well with the public. Should be able to pass a background check, if required.

Work attire consists of black dress slacks, white dress shirt, conservative tie and black or navy sport coat. Any tattoos will be covered and piercings should be hidden or removed. Hair color should appear natural.

I can do all those things, but these might be a problem:

• Heavy lifting.
  
• Must be local resident located in the San Francisco, Oakland, or Hayward areas.
  
• Demonstrable bay area knowledge and driving experience. Should be able to read Thomas Brothers Guide (provided by employer) and arrive on premises quickly and safely

Then there's the real deal-breaker:

Some situations may involve intense emotional or physical circumstances. Need to properly handle remains in various positions and locations, though most are in a bed.

So I'll never have a thrilling career as a Mortuary Service Transport Technician, AKA Removal Driver or First Call Driver.

Maybe this addendum is unnecessary. But it's late, and my brain is not at its perkiest.

I'm not making fun of the people who do this difficult job. They have to be calm, professional, and helpful in circumstances that range from unpleasant to traumatic, and for utterly pitiful on-call pay. A good driver is going to make the whole experience more bearable for the bereaved family, assuming someone died at home. A bad one could make it appalling beyond words. I bet these guys end up with a fair bit of PTSD, too. Imagine scooping up the remains of a murdered toddler, say.

I am mocking the pay, and I am mocking myself. Right now I'm looking at every job on earth as a possibility, no matter how inappropriate. Also, I'm trying to introduce a note of grim humor into the job-hunting process. When corpses can liven up your life, you know you're in trouble.