Tuesday, March 11, 2003

No More French Fries!

From a friend:

In honor of the bold and decisive move by the House of Representatives to change the names of french fries and french toast in their cafeterias, I've got some other things we should change the names of.

French kissing will henceforth be called "freedom kissing."

French ticklers will henceforth be known as "liberty hole scrapers."

French vanilla should be called "the flavor of white people."

Actor French Stewart will be called "Pakistani Stewart."

All archived episodes of the 1970's show A Family Affair will be re-dubbed; Mr. French will be called "Mr. Theeconomyisstrongandsound."

Ile de France cheese will be renamed "Smells like Lynn Cheney."

Yoplait is a French name; that yogurt must be renamed "Freedom Spooge."

Ditto for Perrier; let's call it "Trickle Down."

French braids; this cannot stand. Henceforth, they'll be renamed after the President of the USA, and those who wear them will have Bush on their heads.

French onion soup will now be known as Guatemalan onion soup, because I said so.

The Tour de France bicycle race is to be renamed "The Tour of that Country that Refuses to Do What We Tell Them, Those Sons of Bitches. Nyeh Nyeh Nyeh."

The Statue of Liberty was made in France. It must be destroyed as quickly as the principles for which it stands.

All American cities with French-sounding names (Lafayette, Baton Rouge, etc.) should be bombed flat. Any individuals living there are obviously anti-American, or else they would have changed the name by now. Survivors will thus be shipped to France... which we'll then bomb.

All French-speaking Canadians MUST learn Spanish and stop speaking French, or we're GOING INTO CANADA WITH SIX-GUNS BLAZING. YEE-HAH.

The US government will hereafter be called "A Bunch of Rich People Who Really Don't Like That Country Whose Name We Won't Say."

We can't get health care out of these schmucks, they can't fix the economy or figure out how to keep schools open, or even reimburse states for the costs of security incurred because of blowback from 40 years of insane policies... but damn, they sure can rename french fries.

Did you ever get the feeling that the Three Stooges were really the ones in charge?

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