Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Losing Brave Eyes, Part 2

What I do now is go on without courage. What I do is honor those who have been fighting fear longer than I have.

Do you have to be so melodramatic? Just shut up about it.

Whose voice is that, telling me my feelings don't matter?

Don't make such a big deal. Just ignore them and they'll go away.

Yes. Well. I'm not so sure numbness is the most desirable state.

Maybe one reason I'm aware of this now is that I've been trying to go beyond the boundaries. When I wasn't trying anything new, I didn't need to test my courage. I didn't have to feel how terrifying it is for me to *start* something. Gradually I let my life shrink and shrink until it became unendurable. Then I broke through, with roughly the same emotional consequences as breaking through layers of glass and stone would have to my flesh. No wonder now I'm sore.

One thing: it's important to follow through and do it anyway. If I can break through my own fear and reluctance, I have all the joy of freedom. It's just the threshold that's hard. The more I let it stop me, the more painful and constricted my life will be. But if I can keep pushing on through, then I'll have a history of success. I'll know I can do it, and that's half the battle.

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